Typed out versions of my diary entries -- slightly edited versions! (Not rlly omptimistic I usually vent/rant here) Disclaimer I am only 14, please dont critcize this page if you come across it lol 12 - 29 - 22 I'm so sick of people telling me it's going to be okay. It literally isn't. I can't and won't sit and listen to these "reassurements" because all im hearing are a bunch of liars who just seek for joy in their lives. Not any ride or dies. I'm so fucking sick of living. I really can't do this anymore. My mental state is constantly deteriorating and there's nothing I can do about it. No, cleaning my room isn't light-work. No, getting up early isn't easy. No, fixing my bed everyday and doing basic fucking things isn't simple. my body makes everything far more complex than it really is. I can't comprehend what's truly wrong with me. I can't do basic shit. I'm utterly useless. Everything I do is pointless. I'll end up killing myself one way or another. [REDACTED]? Who's that? Nobody will ever know because I don't do anything. I'll never be anything. I am nothing. I am a weed trapped in a human body. Slowly and patiently waiting for the day I get pulled out of this garden I was born to be in. I can't stand myself. I hate my personality, my face, my body, my skin, every last bit of it. Even if god is fucking real he for sure didn't take his time with me. I'd bully, toerment, and abuse myself if I were another person. If I saw someone as vile and worthless as myself I'd put them through hell. I love all people and treat everyone equally yet I cannot find it in me to treat myself with that same respect. It's all so difficult. It's hard. How can one even glance at someone this horrible. When I get called a f*ggot I'll fill myself up with rage when in reality I deserve every last bit of it being thrown at me. Every word, every shameful fucking word belongs to me. I must hear it because it's what I am. A worthless homo, a worthless daughter, a worthless n*gger, a worthless kid, worthless. I'm hideous I barely have eyebrows on my damn face. My features don't compliment me in the slightest. My wrists are wide and manly, the hair and scars that spiral across my body is disgusting. Body hair, scars, acne, whatever. It's all fine on other people. I hate me, I hate everything on me. It should be a felony to be this messed up. Mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever. The only time I feel beautiful is with makeup on, when I hide myself from me. When I act like a mindless whore. When I'm high off marrijuana. I don't work for anything. I didn't work for where I'm at now. I was merely pitied. I can't even hold friendships without lying about something. From the smallest details to my age and occupation. My entire life is a lie. my entire personality is a mere facade. Even I have no clue who I am anymore. It's like I'm sharing a body with someone else. I can never stick up for myself. My interest are weird and even if I were to open up about them all of my efforts would be discarded. I hate feeling like I'm killing the atmosphere because I know my presence alone can destroy everything. I search and dig for shit to be upset about when in reality my life is pitch perfect. Relapsed on smoking christmas eve. First and only person I really told was [REDACTED]. She's always there for me and I love her. I miss my cousins. Speaking of christmas, I got a cheap ass bracelete from my mom, nothing from my dad, but